I wrote this piece here 11 years ago in 2012 - I am now 72…

Scenario: Beware of Obsession Disguised as Love – Parenting’s Part
Why some parents follow their children to getting help… Love, fear and manipulation by the parent
Looking at WHY and HOW some parents follow their adult children into doing healing change methods.
Authentic self is very difficult to show for many of us – many of us are “raised” to be “phoney”!
Scenario: She is a nurse and is in her 30s. Her mother is still an active alcoholic and is “trying” to “fix” herself up. The mother has been a number of alcohol treatment programs… and has completed them all. The mother has stayed to the end of the required time as far as conventional “treatment” is concerned. And is considered to have completed “treatment”. This is what I mean by saying she completed them. Each time the mother, who is now in her late 50’s, has gone right back to drinking and drugging. To be fair and realistic she – they both – go back to the same environment – complete with “untreated” family members and community.
While the mother’s addiction use is heavy and she exhibits disturbed and distorted behavior for her relationships – it is more extreme to her children. She is extremely abusive to her children and she does it in a very deep and complex way. The mother’s addiction – has been – and is in a most definite routine and all the people around her. All involved and dependent on her are helpless.
Because they “with” her they are NEEDY and become enablers and supporters of her and her destructive lifestyle. I will explain how and why this is AND how and why everyone stays the same.
It is important to become able to see – to “take in – to look at and keep the understanding that ALL the people around the mother ( whom I will call Queen Bee) are living emotionally disturbed – dysfunctional – and addicted to a substance and lifestyle/behavior. They also might see that they are living disturbed / distorted – yet, they only know this way of seeing and doing life. It is what is done and has been done since life began. The reality of their life situations – their illness must be exposed and realized. This is also CONFRONTED!
And anyone coming to the place of seeing this in their life – will have to supported in this reality. So, for anyone be able to begin healing from present parental “enmeshment” abuse – they will have to address their little child abuse issues which include abandonment and of course neglect and deep shaming.
Looking closer at the nurse; she has recently made some huge changes in HER ROLE – HER PART – IN THE LIFELONG DRAMATIC ROUTINE OF HER MOTHER’S WAY OF LIVING. In the family of origin’s illness.
The young nurse (whom I’ll call Deer Spirit) has made some drastic changes in her life… changes which make her unavailable to take her usual supportive role in the whole family sickness. The emotional work she has been doing has had her concentrate on herself AND NOT on her mother… or her father for that matter. While the father’s part in this dysfunction is very important that healing be done with the parent presently there physically.
When choosing to address her “problems” – she will have to address the “constant” relationship with her mother. To make definite healthy change it is advisable to been take active part in “experiential re-training”. In this way to explore, study, access and address her life and her living problems; Problems which have affected her personal family relationships and her professional relationships.
The nurse / woman’s problems do stem from her developmental traumatic up-bringing. This is way is true for all of us. Each of us will contribute or carry-on our own ongoing dysfunctional living – even destructive lifestyle.
In her case – she does this by attempting to manipulate through the stress and strains of being a professional helper. A helper much like her mother and father raised her to be. The young woman has learned to hide her shame by becoming a perfectionist and by working hard to achieve a higher social status – in whichever way she must. Her being productive and motivated for success is good in a number of ways and YET – it also causes her great stress because she struggles with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This is affects on her form the childhood terrorizing trauma and all that the horrendous abuse issues she and her siblings were subjected to and did amongst one and other and to one and other.
Her quest to grow beyond her family’s legacy is deeply complicated through AND by her shame and how she tries to cover it and make up for it.
This young woman is the youngest girl with 3 or 4 older sisters and a couple of older brothers and 2 younger brothers. Her mother abandoned her at a very young age and while her father kept her – he continuously shamed her – terrorized her and directly and indirectly imprinted in her to be so shamed based – both as a female – a woman and as a tribal human being.
There is a deep poisoning coming from of parenting by parents who are disturbed. Seeing the effects of parental relationship here which I need for you to see – perhaps it has happened to you already or to someone you know or… maybe it is happening to you now. It is important to assess – not judge without solution!
The mother Queen Bee – over time had insisted that her daughter contact me again and to get help. She knew how to say she was drinking too much again – and again – and to show her “sad concerned” look… like she was really “TRYING” to help herself. While she was “looking good” at getting the old style of “conventional” help along with “family” sympathy and support. She – herself wasn’t ending the addictions.
Queen B mother even praised her daughter for not coming around or for not letting her come over to her daughter’s house – to not take it over and steal from her as she was so accustomed to doing. Queen B acted as if she approved of the changes which her daughter had to make in her life. She wanted to make them too. She just could not trust enough to do actually healing change because there were no real healthy supports, she could access.
At first the daughter tried to arrange for her mom to see me. I gently guided her to follow the process where the new adult person must make their own arrangements… and I don’t discuss their issues. I eventually had an appointment with the mom – Queen B.
On Queen B’s first session, she tried to focus on her daughter’s story. As she was shown the guidelines of the Spirit Warrior Way, she exhibited signs of mistrust and fear and showed manipulative interaction in our meeting.
It became quite clear that she came to see me to could learn to stop “my” interference with her daughter. As we spoke it was clear to me that she knew intellectually many of the aspects of healing recovery… of treatment and of course – addiction to manipulating the truth of the problems facing any family dealing with generational problems of all kinds of abuse and addiction.
The focus of my re-training is to have each individual learn who they are emotionally – mentally – physically – and relationally – and then to become willing to choose healthier and a more secure, safe and grounded source of empowerment. To also understand what abuse really is AND what love, nurturing and affection ARE AND WHAT THEY ARE NOT!
The mother came to the first session and never came back… she ended up getting to her young daughter and putting down the methods I apply in my service. The daughter ended up quitting for now… the mother accomplished her goal to come to take part… to have access to cause her daughter shame again.
This scenario has been played out time and time again throughout life… there are others for sure. Many parents don’t truly understand how and why they will attempt to sabotage their child’s happiness – yet they will do most anything to stop their child from leaving them. I will be editing this piece… for now read it over and if there is something you don’t understand write me or post a comment and if it is relevant I will add it or answer your question.
This situation is obsession – obsession by a parent… this is not love. The parent is manipulating, cheating and victimizing the child – adult child. It is very much like an abusive spouse.
Please – look around you and if this is happening to you or you are doing it to someone else then find healthy qualified help… become truly willing to be just and honorable to all around you including yourself.
Obsession is perpetrated by both parents – a child is so vulnerable because they become so confused by disturbed parent(s) or people claiming to want to be one…. be aware of what your loss is or are. Blessings shared.
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