I am 72 winters now. And I live in recovery and because of recovery. In June 27, 1989, I was forced to “see” and “think” that I was alone – not realizing “how utterly isolated I was” and in all my life.
I went back to my old childhood neighborhood – a skidrow hoyel of Winnipeg, Manitoba’s notorious Main Street Northern Hotel. It was one of the run down bars where most “Indians” went to drink and eventually – die.
It’s where I started “legal public” drinking alcohol when Manitoba’s law changed and we drink at age 18. I was already drinking at 13 years old.
This specific day in 1989, I walked into this “dive” and it was like I walked into an episode of the “Twilight Zone”.
There were tables 3 tables bunched together and full of people that I grew up with – people I drank and got drunk and got violent with. It was just the same as I left them more than ten years past.
It’s as if they were waiting for me.
My two closest childhood friends. Mel and Russell, who were my best friends and the only Tribal People I had as “friends”.
And at the head of the tables was my Ina – mother.
I was really lost. And after some ugly stuff, I ended up sitting all by myself.
I remember thinking disturbed and distorted – I thought “piece of mind” not “peace of mind”. Thinking that if I could actually take out a piece of my brain that I could or would have the proof that I could change. That I had the intelligence. To change for the better.
I had a long journey… and I needed help.
Jumping forward 2 years, I went to Minneapolis, Minnesota with a girlfriend in the guise of vacationing. I really went to find out about Hazelden treatment center and how I might find help there.
I was in a hotel room and I called Hazelden. I asked about taking the program. I was asked if I was still drinking alcohol.
I answered, “I haven’t been drunk for 2 years.”
I was asked, “When was the last time you drank alcohol?”
I said honestly, “I’m having beer with pizza watching football.”
As I recall it now, I was told that I needed to be “stopped drinking” before treatment.
May have misheard..
Yet. I was so ashamed I acted angry and hung up the phone.
I was so conditioned to intellectualize living the act of social health…
I was flooded with so many archived shameful messages – especially derogatory messages about my Tribal blood.
Since this time, I have engaged in a wholelot of the various 12-step meetings and personal experiential psycho-therapy and 29 days in 22-step based treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.
I have participated in many workshops and trainings. I took part in Webinars.
I spent many years acting successful as society condones.
I uncovered my authentic self with the sharing of other people who were courageous enough to “try and even cry” in front of me.
I was also forced by those who I tried to be in relationship with and made their lives miserable by my disturbed and distorted living.
I have to acknowledge what I really took part in throughout my living.
Today, I live conscientiously… I am sober and I will always give of my authentic self.
Mitakuye Oyasin – we are all related (Dakota) I understand that my having faith is not religion and religiosity contributed to my abuse issues.
So now, I consider “Mitakuye Oyasin” as my initial promise that I will place “every single” person in a respectful place in my relating.
I share. I share to walk with others openly. I share an experienced Guide and Tracker to support others much like I was treated.
Wopida Tanka – lotsa great thanks.
Start where you are… help from where you are. Stay open to letting someone get close and inspire you. Be honest with everyone that you choose to help.
You are a miracle!
J EagleSpirit 🦅 |
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